Medical Miracle: Doctors Perform the World’s First Ego Transplant

By admin

Ego too Big to Fit in Texas Sized Ten Gallon  Hat.

May 21, 2011

Doctors at Houston’s L.B. Johnson Medical Center announced they had transplanted an intact ego of a former hedge fund manager and politician into the brain of a Mexican migrant worker.

In a four hour operation, doctors  extracted the preserved ego from the body of Ronald Fortane Hugo—- a recently deceased  Wall Street hedge fund manager, who had served three terms in the U.S. Congress, two terms as his own chief of staff, and one term lecturing to reporters— and transplanted the ego into the front brain lobe of Manuel Gonzales; a migrant worker from Laredo Texas.

The six doctor and two psychologist operating team are recuperating and are being evaluated for evidence of ego contamination such as: making political statements in front of reporters or a bathroom mirror.

The team’s leading surgeon, Epstein Hank-Watson assured reporters that “ego contamination”  was not a threat to the operating team nor to any member of the public.

Dr. Hank-Watson then offered to donate his upcoming noble prize money to “the poor” and give his own modest ego to the downtrodden people of the world.

The Texas surgeon also told Houston Chronicle reporters that the six-step, one leap, and three-setback operation had overcome many “monumental” challenges:

“One of the nurses dropped her gauze mask and let the whole room know that California farmers were paying strawberry pickers 5 dollars a carton. At that point  Mr. Gonzales tried to leap off the operating table and rush head-forward for the door with his car keys. After that, we had to use an exotic combination of powerful anesthesia’s, border control guards, and Mariachi music to keep Mr. Gonzales inside the operating room.

Fifteen minutes later we had to anesthetize two nurses to hold them back from trying to mate with  Mr. Hugo’s ego.”

Dr. Hank-Watson added:

“Our biggest challenge was finding a way to shrink the size of Mr. Hugo’s ego so it could fit inside the operating room; as well as fit inside the head of  a migrant worker. At first, we pumped thousands of financial statements from the 2009 Wall Street crash into the lower base of the ego. We expected that would shrink the ego considerably.

So we were puzzled when the Wall-Street crash therapy caused Mr. Hugo’s ego to swell even more.

Later, we realized Mr. Hugo had specialized in short selling the market.

Next, we injected Congressional approval ratings  into the top half of the ego.  Fortunately, exposing the ego to the public’s low opinion of Congress got the ego to shrivel into the shape of campaign fax machine .“

However, the ego swelled into a blimp every time a nurse touched it.  So we inserted an intravenous tube into the center of the ego and fed it Congressional approval ratings throughout the entire operation.”

The Patient Recovers

Mr. Gonzales, whose id and “superfluous” brain tissue, had been removed to find space for his new ego was said to be enjoying his recovery in L.B. Johnston hospital.

After the operation the migrant worker telephoned eighteen California strawberry growers and informed them that they would have to move their farms to Houston Texas if they still wanted to employ his superior strawberry harvesting skills.

Mr. Gonzales told reporters that he was giving his 1994 Toyota wagon to charity.

Reporters quickly asked the migrant worker how he expected to migrate to Florida for to pick oranges or to New York to pick apples. Mr. Gonzales answered that, from now on, he would only use a bicycle to migrate between crops which would  “reduce carbon waste” and to “provide an example” for the next generation of migrant workers.

Hospital administrators said Mr. Gonzales would be confined to  L.J. hospital until they were sure his body’s immune system would not reject his new transplanted ego.

That is, hospital doctors initially reported there had been some evidence that the new ego was sending chemical signals to rest of Mr. Gonzales’s brain demanding an upgraded body, brighter teeth, and memory makeover which would include, in the very least, five hundred words from the English language.

Within 24 hours of the operation Mr. Gonzales, began be telling his nurses that he had evidence, that the upcoming 2012 Presidential U.S. election would be the most important event on the entire planet  since the creation of the Rio Grande river.

Mr. Gonzales was reported to have informed one nurse that he had hard evidence, whose source he said he could not disclose, that President Obama was not born in Hawaii hospital; as reported on his birth certificate.

Rather, Mr. Gonzales said, the “acting” American President had been conceived 5000 ft under the surface of the earth and had erupted out of a Hawaiian volcano.

Using the hospital intercom system, Mr. Gonzales then informed the staff and patients of L.B. Johnston hospital that the distressing news had led him to conclude that he must forgo picking Florida oranges next season and run for President Of Untied States.

Mr. Gonzales said the upcoming steep drop in available fruit and consequent higher prices would be a small price to pay for saving the United States—from the current administration’s policy of not letting illegal immigrants run for President.

Meanwhile, Dr. Epstein Hank-Watson told his reporters his next plan was to clone a small slice of his own “personal ego” and transplant it into the heads of millions of the world poor people, to give them a chance in life. The recovering surgeon said he did not mind that the rest of world’s population would also be winning and sharing all his future Nobel prizes.

Share this story:
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Slashdot
  • StumbleUpon

Leave a Reply