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Environmental Fear: Budget Cuts Could Lead State Parks to Revert to Wilderness

By admin

Wildlife May Be Forced to Live In a State of Nature

July 4, 2011

The recent state budget crisis has forced 9 state Governors to close 32 state parks and 24 wilderness areas. Across the country alarmed environmentalists are warning that if state parks and wilderness areas remain closed, they could be overrun by wild animals and uncontrolled vegetation.  Park Rangers, who typically represent a storehouse of natural knowledge and odors, expressed fears that budget cuts could reduce park wildlife to living in a state of nature.

Old school conservationists have warned if Washington’s budget crisis worsens the National Parks also may close; abandoning the nation’s wild animals; leaving antelope, deer, and even squirrels exposed to predators while forcing bears and wolves to attack innocent chipmunks in order to find food.

An Environmental advocate, speaking over a bowl of granola, told a stunned group of San Francisco organic-store food gathers:

“Think of the horror. Millions of homeless animals forced to scavenge on their own without one peanut or popcorn throwing tourist. Park squirrels deprived of picnic table leftovers.  Bears surrounded by empty trash cans.”

The advocate then added:

“State budget cuts have left thousands of acres of parklands exposed to the ravages of nature. If this assault on the environment continues that nation’s parks will be overrun with wild bears, snarly coyotes, and, I hate to teller hikers and nudists this, prickly thistles.”

An eighty year old Conservation spokesperson told a gathering of young mothers at a suburban vegetable stand:

“Civilization begins when mankind turns from exploiting mother nature to protecting mother nature.  And civilization will end if untamed politicians continue to clear cut the nation’s park and recreation budgets.”

The conservationist added:

“What does closing the parks mean? Picnic tables rotting with mold. Smelly bears sniffing about inside state-park restrooms and toilet stalls. And your favorite group of peanut munching chipmunks—forced to scrounge for termites and grub-worms.”

In California, a Redwood Forest Park ranger up-loaded a u-tube recording of himself addressing a group of trees and animals from his backyard porch:

“A true dedicated naturalist must be prepared to preserve all wild animals, whether they are cute or cuddly or not. Therefore to be fair, a naturalist must also fight to protect those politicians who make a living fighting taxes and cutting budgets. That is, such politicians represent the vestige of an untamed homo-sapien offshoot, which is still engaged in the Darwinian struggle against nature, and against our state and natural parks. Therefore, some our parks may have to be sacrificed to protect this vestigial species of human.  Let us just hope it not this park or forest.”

As budget cuts loom and deadlines for park closing approaches, Park Rangers say that they are sharpening their boy-scout knives, in preparation for the upcoming Darwinian competition with nature. Rangers predict they will be competing for resources against fifteen species of carnivores, eighteen species of herbivores, and herds of roaming passive-aggressive marijuana growing urban dropouts.

Rangers predict that, within a year, parks roads will deteriorate into dirt trails and then into, animal tracks. Carbon footprints first will deteriorate into animal footprints and then, into dung.  Hamburger and hot dog concession stands will deteriorate into takeout pizza joints.  And ranger towers could be taken over by homeless squirrels and budget cutting politicians.

However Park rangers say their greatest fear is that if budget cutting politicians continue to pull the plug on the nation’s parks; the entire North American continent will be overrun with: trees.

The Red Wood Forest Ranger:

“Without park rangers cutting the grass and doing controlled burns, an uncontrolled nature will burst out of park boundaries and will smother every city, suburb, farm, and recreation area under a carpet of a wild untamed forest.

Think about it.  Have you ever tried playing baseball in the middle of the woods? You throw the ball and it bounces off a tree. You swing a bat and it gets tangled in a briar patch. And, fielding grounders with roots sticking up all over the place?

And what about the skimpy clad joggers who will have to run down trails covered in prickly thistles?”

The vegetable stand conservationist reminded shoppers, that there may be a silver lining to the Park closures:

“On the other hand, if the nation’s Park Rangers are forced into a Darwinian struggle against nature, some park ranger’s DNA might mutate, and their kids evolve into angry politicians. This might give Park Rangers enough spunk to charge into the budget fights and do battle with those wild anti-environment budget-cutting, park-closing, politicians.”

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