Congress Hires Language Translators

By admin

America’s Political Sector is Increasing Bi-Lingual

July 25, 2012

The United Nation (UN) employs over one hundred language translators –which, on any given day, convert UN floor discussion into 16 languages and sends the resulting message, or denunciation, into the earphones of delegates from around the globe. The European Union (EU) hires translators to covert intra-government agreements into six languages and three monetary currencies. International Organizations, Large Banks, and Switzerland often hire three of four real time translators to convert barely understandable discussion into barely readable financial documents.

The UN’s simultaneous translators represent the elite of the translation teams. Viewed as rare and talented poly-tongued speakers, the typical UN translator can take a string of 18 earthy Arabic swear-words and within, 1.3 seconds, translate it into diplomatic flattery in Parisian French, solid Oxford English, or an elegant fabrication in Castilian Spanish.

Now America’s emerging bilingual needs has forced the U.S. Congress and Senate to hire its own real time translators. Starting next fiscal year, twenty four talented young employees will work the Senate and Congressional floor and adjacent conference rooms, and use up to date technology and earphones, to translate:

– Republican bluster into American Democrat English,

–Democratic obfuscation into American Republican English,


–angry snarls into “off the record” comments.

Translators will also convert stray Spanish gossip into the proper code for reading out the speaker’s immigration rights.

Observers say the rapid emergence of a Bi-lingual Congress has caught legislators, their staff, and political reporters off guard and explains much of the confusion, stalemate, and perceived Congressional drift of the last two years.

Political writer James Ames James, who has immersed himself into growing language split, tried his hand at translation by posting the following bilingual examples on the “Writers Without Work” website:

Speaker: “We must act now to get our government budget under control.

Translated to Democrat: “I propose to cut spending for the F-14 fighter and raise taxes on any CEO who owns a yacht, flies first class, or swears at bicycle riders.”

Translated to Republican: “We must cut taxes.”

Speaker: “What is the U.S. government doing in Libya?”

Translated to Democrat: “George Bush blew a trillion dollars on Iraq, and for what?”

Translated to Republican: “Who is going to vote Republican if Obama wins a foreign war?”

Speaker: “Do you know which way I go to find the men’s room?”

Translated to Democrat: “Republicans make me want to throw up.”

Translated to Republican: “We must cut taxes.”

Congress is still bogged down over discussion of how much to pay translators. Observers say that translating from Democratic to Republican (D to R) is a less arduous task than translating from Republican to Democratic (R to D). Therefore D-to-R language translators should get paid less.  James, Ames, himself agreed with that (D- to-R) translators should be paid less.

James Ames: “I have put together a phrase dictionary. It turns out there are over one hundred and twenty thousand Democrat phrases which translate to Republican as:

‘Did we cut all the taxes yet?’

That is, D-to-R translators can—sit back-listen to the radio and go on auto-pilot most of the day.

In contrast, R-to-D translators will have a tough time getting 90% of the Republican pronouncements translated. That is, it takes work to find which 120 thousand Democrat phrases the Republicans are always talking about.”

To ease the Congressional transition, the UN has offered the U.S. Congress updated earphone technology, audio enablers, and 6 thousand Arabic- English dictionaries.

James Ames James

“The dictionaries will help emerging Muslim democracies witness, firsthand how American democracy works.  Of course, this might lead the world’s people to beg for the return of hereditary monarchies.”

Politicians in Washington remained undeterred and said the use of translators would improve Congressional efficiency.

A prominent Democratic summed up the Washington view:

“Once the translators are in place we will be able to simulate the economy, reduce unemployment, and ask our Republican colleagues where the bathroom is.”

Republicans agreed with the comment:

“Yes, our colleagues who sit across the aisle, who vote in another universe, and who inefficiently use the lower basement lavatory, are right. With the translators Congress will be more efficient.

That is, soon we will be able to cut taxes so low that they will be forced to eliminate the UN.”

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