President Announces Plan to Simplify the U.S. Economy

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Supply and/or Demand Ordered to Make Up

May 24, 2009 

Speaking before a college age audience, at the University of Michigan, President Obama introduced his new plan to make the U.S. economy simpler, easier to use, and less hostage to the specialists who thrive on the “unnecessary complication of the U.S. economic system.” One notable point in his speech brought applause:

“For too long Americans have been unable to understand their own economy, leaving it to special interest groups such as economists, bankers, and stockbrokers to explain how the economy works and then demand payment for the explanation. I promise in three years time we will have a more simple economy which the average American can understand.”

The president already has hired a team of elementary school teachers to devise a plan for economic simplification.  Initial suggestions from the team include converting all labor benefits to dollar wages, banning variable interest rate loans, and putting the U.S. currency on the metric system. The school teacher team also has recommended that money bills be printed in different colors according to denomination and that the size of paper bills increase from the current 4 by 2 inches for all denominations, to 8 by 4 inches for the one and ten dollar bill and 12 by 6 inches for larger denominations.

“Bigger money will give merchants a better look at what they are doing and make counting easier.” said Heidi Goodely leader of the school teacher team.

A team of economists led by Chief White House Economist Larry Summers offered a dissenting view.

“Take away nickels, quarters, and the five dollar bill and you already have metric money. Why not make twelve cents equal a dollar, create a three dollar bill equal to thirty six cents, and print a twenty-seven dollar bill that goes the whole nine yards?”  Dr. Summers was reported to have written in an e-mail that he sent to the President, his staff, 4420 economists, 214 newspaper editors, 82 world finance ministers, the IMF staff, and a group of news-starved astronauts on the space shuttle.

Hedi Goodely responded with her own e-mail to the president: “The thing of Mr. Summers is the way the British do it. Metric money would bind us to the rest of the world and not make our dollar hostage to the size of smelly feet on some stuffy rainy island.”

Joining the group of school teachers in devising the economic simplification plan is a group of “reformists” from the White Flint institute located in a Maryland suburb outside Washington.  The reformist group, consisting of economists, Quakers, and “interested “ liberal arts majors, who are “waiting” for the economy to “pick up”, have put forward several  proposals that mix the White House teacher group proposals with those of mainstream economists.

Among the suggestions put forward by the White Flint team is a proposal to mandate that economic markets to “stay put” in “equilibrium” between 5 PM and 8 AM Eastern time. The proposal is said to be a compromise between the teacher advisory group who wanted “supply and demand to just be one thing” and White House economists who admitted, under intense questioning by the President himself, that supply and demand become equal : “in equilibrium.”

The compromise allows prices and markets to adjust to shocks and real changes in the economy during the 8 working hours of each day. Todd Racher of the White Flint institute explained the compromise to a group of concerned parents of underemployed liberal arts graduates:

“Our plan would allow Americans to tuck themselves into bed each night knowing that a price has been found to put the markets into peaceful state of rest. Jolts to the economic system would only occur after everybody gets themselves a good morning cup of coffee.”

“There isn’t a pick up in the economy that can help the unemployed Flint staff find real work.  The happy hope statements of their proposal is based on unknowable information, absurd assumptions, and is utterly devoid of real world content on how markets operate “declared the e-mail which Larry Summers sent to himself and Vice President Joe Biden.

The teacher group agreed. “What Mr. Summer’s wrote to the Vice President is true. Reading all those economy books have just made those MBA’s too swap crazy. But you can’t swap your education for your money back. Now all we just want is for Mr. Supply to kiss and make up with Mrs. demand before dinner time. Then everybody can be together in one simple house for the night.”

The final teacher e-mail initiated a flurry of back and forth e-mails which were picked up and recorded by an astute computer working for the Huffington Post.

White Flint group:  “Aren’t there some sort of sensors to determine if markets are in equilibrium?”

Summers: “How can someone who is unemployed think you can just order supply to equal demand?”

Teacher Goodely: “Do shotgun weddings workout? I mean, after a while?”

White Flint Group:“ I mean, we mean-can’t we get the equilibrium price right after a whole 8 hour day?”

Summers: “How long did it take for you realize that your market wage was zero?”

News starved Astronaut from the space shuttle: “Dr. Summers in a zero gravity economy will my wage float up over time or will it also be zero?”

Teacher Goodley: “Can, zero gravity can make the economy more simple?  Like company bond floats,-hey.”

French Finance Minister: “The proposal for enhancing the color of money will bring to the consumer artistic enjoyment of the world of finance.  Americans can also benefit from my proposal to the IMF to introduce designer money. For example Dr Bernanke’s signature can be on the 1,000 dollar bill, no?  And Dr Summers on the ten.”

Summers: “I agree, no.”

French “no means no,no?, Or no mean yes”

Summer “yes”

French Minister: “Yes to no, yes?”

White Flint: “What has this got to do with economic simplification?”

Summer : ”Yes”

Vice President Biden: “NO!- Come guys what’s wrong with signing a couple dollar bills. I like designer money. I get the nickel and dime. Show me how to put pen to metal and I’ll sign every working person’s hard saved coins.”

French Finance Minister: ”No!”

Heide Goodely: “ So demand is supply but only at night. We do the colored money. And Joe Biden will go on a nickel signing tour once we get the right pen. And liberal arts people will have zero wages once they find out about it.  Do we have anything else?”

White flint: “no”

Larry summers: “Yes. Eliminate sixteen tax deductions, all temp advisory groups, and tinted ideas about colored money. And if people want to make nighttime fairytales about markets being in equilibrium, let them do it themselves in their own homes.”

The President: “OK guys I see we have alot of work to do.”

Astronaut: “Sir, Mr. President, why is floating around in zero gravity considered serious enough work to receive a living wage? “



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