Miami Panic: Castro Clones Washing up on South Florida Beaches

By admin
The Cuban Medical System Gets Stuck Making Fidels


May 27, 2009 

The city of Miami and surrounding counties have spun into a frenzy of Hurricane level four panic by rumors of Castro sightings on beach after beach, boat after boat, and raft after barge. Just as the Cuban émigré community was gathering together its belongings for the nostalgic trip to their island home, while waiting for Fidel Castor’s imminent death, the news that people have spotted Castro look-alikes on boats, barges, and rafts from Cuba have swept South Florida’s Cuban community. 

At first, the Fidel rumors were taken as an amusing story told over dominos and coffee along Calle Ocho in Miami’s little Havana neighborhood.  Jorge Zorres Torilla explained: 

“We first thought some old people had nightmares which were leaking out of their aging brains, but then some 18 year old Anglo kid was found telling people that he just played Frisbee with Castro on Fort Lauderdale beach.”

The next morning on May 24th a group of four young Cuban men representing the exile group “Wakeup Havana” grabbed a “Fidel figure” out of a Kentucky Fried Chicken waiting line in Key Largo and bundled him into a black Toyota where the Fidel figure was taken to a back road garage full of waiting Cuban doctors.

“Fidel is Fidel!” was the shout heard from the garage.

Within minutes the news that thousands of Castro Clones were sweeping up onto the South Florida shores, ordering chicken legs at fast food restaurants, and playing Frisbee with unmarried women blew with hurricane force through South Florida’s Cuban community.

Mothers quickly checked their daughters for signs of Fidel molestation while Fathers asked their sons to take DNA tests. Rumors flew about that the much vaunted medical institutions of Castro’s Cuba had created a “homeland” where every forth male is a Fidel. The rumors spread with such force that Florida State Police captured six different “Fidels” across the State of Florida who were said to be frantically escaping: “the other Fidels who are invading Miami.”

The rumors took on international repercussions after a group of Cubans were recorded shouting “death to the’ in-vade-Fidels’ “on National Public radio. Within hours, the Saudi Arabian embassy offered to finance six different Cuban exile groups and open an embassy in the Everglades.

A second news story soon led to a nasty split among South Florida’s Cuban community.  A reporter for the Miami Herald interviewed a “Fidel” at an organic food store and quoted him as saying:

“Cucumbers can be really organic for your digestive mood, if you, like, have low carbon wax candles burning when you warm to the sense of the cucumber flavor.” The reporter pronounced “this particular Fidel to be a nice and peaceful fellow.” And he finished his Miami Herald report with the line: “even clones can grow up in different environments. “

Older Miami Cubans exploded in anger at the suggestion that a set of Castro genes would do anything but crush a free environment, and pelted the Miami Herald office with cucumbers. Younger Cubans, distracted by twitter tweets and cell phones, could not make it to the final line of Herald article and failed to recognize the reason for the Fidel cucumber fuss.

Meanwhile, over six thousand Fidels have petitioned for asylum in the U.S., two thousand have returned home to Cuba, forty two have married Cuban American women, five are pitching for various American baseball  teams, two are running for mayor of Miami, and one has become head of an anti-Castro exile group which is headquartered “somewhere near the Everglades.”

Said a somewhat resigned Jorge Torilla:

“Eventually, in America, we have to absorb all new immigrant groups no matter how long it takes them to adapt and learn to speak Spanish without an island accent.”


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