Chicago Judge Orders All Internet Pornography to Be Put Into Writing

By admin

May, 2 2009


Internet Clean Up Dangles Writer’s Participals

Expressing frustration with the deterioration in the country’s reading skills and the growing trade in internet smut; a Chicago Judge ordered that all “Adult Content” websites convert each and every displayed photograph, video, and webcam show; into written text. Judge Beauoff Harbarger’s ruling split the difference between the group “nonconsenting adults” who had placed a lawsuit against owners of adult websites for putting “graphic adult content” into the “public domain” and owners of such websites who claim a constitutional freedom to publish “the artwork of nature”.  In making his ruling Judge Harbarger made the following statement before a crowded Chicago courtroom and a multitude of webcam cameras: “Graphic, fleshly material; which is sexual in nature can remain on the web as long as it is presented in well worded English sentences.”

The Judge then added the following statement:

“We accept, as a society, that young adults need to learn about the birds, the bees, and the butterflies.  But they can learn about it the way I did. That is, by engaging in some healthy juvenile sniggering over some badly punctuated smut. That way when these young adults grow out of it, they, at least, will know how to spell the words you don’t look up in a dictionary.”

Adult Website owners countered by claiming that their clients never grow out of the teenage “it”. Furthermore they claimed that young adults in today’s face-book dominated word, lack the grammatical skills to be entertained by punctuation, so poor, that it leaves nothing to the imagination. Website owners also stated that translating pictures and webcams into writing would put an unnecessarily harsh burden on “adult” models, actors and actresses. 

 Knox Ownstein an “adult business man” with fourteen websites and a business worth forty million dollars in annual revenue put it bluntly:

“Adult entertainers cannot sign a business contract without showing every person in the room how to use some body part to drain the ink out of the pen.  How are they going to sit long enough to write twenty compositions on sex when, in the very act of sitting down, they invent twenty new positions on sex? And you think our camera men want to take pictures of page after page of childish writing by adult entertainers?”

Professional writers and owners adult websites also emphasize that there are a limited number of words in the English language that can be used to describe the “artistic and natural beauty” embodied in the millions of adult photographs spread across the internet. Standing before his apartment Hollywood writer James Ames James made the following comment to reporters about Judge Harbarger’s ruling:

“The adult art industry appears to be in a complete polar position to any other art or any other industry in this country. We all know a picture is worth a thousand words. But, face it with pornography the whole thing is different. In pornography, a thousand pictures is worth one word.”

The statement by Mr. James set off a strenuous debate among members of southern California’s “Adult artist” community.  Adult entertainers were said to be in a state of continuous debate over what particular word Mr. James might have been referring to and whether the: “word”  required compounded interest or the right time of the month to grow into something more substantial.

Mr. James responded by appearing again before his Hollywood apartment complex, this time, before a sea of webcam recorders and upturned cell phones:

“I cannot mention the word I had in mind in a world populated by minors. However the word I was thinking about ends in the English letter “ K”.

A voice in the crowd yelled out that was “three” not “one” word.

Mr. James replied that it was not he who implied that some adult artists might take their cocaine as crack. But he did admit that a thousand “adult” photos might actually be worth two words.

The comment by Mr. James, which was quickly labeled the “Not O.K” assault, united adult entertainers who quickly organized a panty vote and elected star performer Penny Arcade as their spokes artist.

Speaking for adult entertainers in a webcam recording on the website:” X cubed” spokes artist Penny Arcade spoke in an soothing voice but laced with a enough bite, to remind skeptical listeners that at least one letter K was compatible with having a full set of teeth:

“There are over three hundred photographs of me on the internet. Each one blends art, technology, fashion, the human form, and incredibly friendly makeup into a unique state of humanity and talent. Surely this is worth more than one word. For example, I have two words in a first and last name. And so do most of my costars.”

Ms. Arcade then added:

“And before we gave them away to friends and people we met, most entertainers in the Adult Industry, had middle names too”.

Upon reading about her statement in the Chicago Sun, Judge Harbarger told reporters that Ms. Arcade’s words were a moving  demonstration that the pen is mightier than any photograph of the letter K. When told that Ms. Arcade’s statement was made verbally over an adult site webcam recorder, Judge Harbarger ordered that all Chicago Sun articles be translated into well written English sentences.

The group “nonconsenting adults” issued a statement saying that they would appeal Judge Harbarger’s ruling.  The group is said to be also lobbying the Department of Education to replace middle school English reading classes with beginning Spanish.

 Meanwhile adult content businessmen were said to be in the process of hiring writers to translate “adult” photographs into printable punctuated form. Newly hired writers are rumored to have discovered sixteen “fresh and interesting” ways to use the English exclamation point and are said to be experimenting with rotating the semicolon into several different “adult friendly” positions.


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