Congress Intervenes: Prevents Family From Disconnecting Dying Man from the Internet

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The Spam Lobby Plays its E-Hand

June 14, 2009

In a drama fraught with despair, tension, and political intrigue the U.S. Congress ordered doctors and service providers to keep a terminally ill eighty three year old New Jersey man hooked up to his internet service provider and hold open his face book and favorite pornography accounts.  The Congressional order overrides the joint decision of the man’s wife, sister, and children; a decision made after consultation with doctors and a family pastor, to unplug the man, a Mr. Harvey Eagleton, from his service provider and close out his web site memberships.  

The man’s eldest son offered the following comment to reporters gathered in front of the family home in Tifton New Jersey:  

“I know what the papers are saying but we were only concerned for the health of my father’s heart.  Leaving my father attached to this costly service would be exposing him to turbo charged news sites, high pressure spam, and scantily clad web girls that might jolt his heart rate right up the Richter scale.  And, what would happen if he hit an adult-site enter key? The last thing we wanted was for an adult sign-in agreement to strip away what scanty little health my father had left, grind his frail body around the room, and then, bump him, and his pumped up heart, into the grave.” 

Members of Congress called the decision to close down an eighty-three year old man’s link to the internet, callous, cruel, and one step closer to forcing the aged citizens of this nation to live in a state of nature. Congressman Hectors B. Cummings of Kentucky summarized one typical view: 

“The Chimpanzee primates of this world have neither developed the need nor capacity to ride the swelling surf of the internet. Why? Because the Lord condemned them and their kind to exchange their fundamentals in the outdoors for all to witness and join in.  Civilized human folk, when we have an urge to witness, can witness with the privacy of a room-enclosed personal computer. This keeps regular people from witnessing the witnessing and witnessing the witnessee, and preventing the fighting, grouping, gossiping, and, pornications that can come from public witnessing of private acts. 

You unplug this aging man from the internet and you are just inviting the town ambulance crew to come and pick him, and his washed out hormone drive, up, off the platform floor at the local girl-dance bar.” 

Congressman Harvey Janis of New Jersey offered a different rationale for keep Mr. Eagleton hooked to the internet: 

“A man who has worked, raised a family, and abided by the laws of this country for eighty three years, deserves to know what legislation and services his Congress and Congressman are seeking to provide the voters of this country. To unplug Mr. Eagleton from the website and deprive him of this critical source of information is akin to locking the aging veterans of the country in solitary confinement and leaving them to die in legislative ignorance.” 

Congressman Jason Sperling of Texas, whose recent financial disclosure statement shows he has received tens of thousands of dollars from the internet spam lobby over the past several years, has been most aggressive in challenging the decision of the Eagleton family to unplug their father from the internet and has made the strongest statement yet on his Congressional website: 

“Who do you think has the grace and courtesy to answer each and every congratulatory e-mail, contest winner announcement, and polite inquiry about one’s financial health?  Busy working people? Harried house wives? The twitter tweeting, My-Homepage, me generation-descended, now-its-my-turn, pizza-ordering, lazy, young people of this country? No? It’s the retired, the aged, the “lonely” and decent Eagletons of this world who have the respect, the courtesy, and the grammar to properly respond to congratulatory e-mails, contest winner announcements, and polite inquires about a person’s financial health.”  

The Congressman finished his recording with: 

“There is one group in this country that answers e-mails with proper grammar, solid American spelling, four word salutations, and home mailbox numbers. However unscrupulous Americans, such as the Eagleton family, rush to unplug this aged group, and poor ole Harvey Eagleton along with them, into a blind, information starved, existence. We must keep America’s Grandparents attached to this world and, let Americans die with plugged in respect. In fact, families should keep internet accounts plugged in after their loved ones die to determine if there are any business opportunities in the after-life market.” 

Under Congressional pressure the Eagleton family promised to keep Harvey Eagleton’s internet service connected until fourteen months after his death and asked Congress to provide Tarp money for their father’s “adult” service bills. Congress has turned down the Tarp funding request for the: “Harvey Eagleton hormone stimulus program” but did provide the Eagletons with free access to all Congressional websites, provided each Eagleton family member post links to Congressional websites from their own family face book sites. 

Harvey Eagleton is said to be enjoying his recent renewal of fortunes and is following his pastor’s instructions to let “the church” review every website, in detail, before he hits a site “enter” key.  He told reporters that he also has agreed to send his entire last two Social Security checks to the: “Congressman Jason Sperling spam-for-attention appreciation fund”. 



















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