Military Panel Investigates Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell Policy: Refuses to Report Findings Until Someone Asks

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 Finger Staples Fingered as a Sex Symbol

July 12, 2009

A Military commission investigating the military’s sixteen year old don’t-ask don’t-tell policy has told military officials they cannot determine whether the policy is working or not.  Said one investigator:

“Frankly it has been so long since anyone asked, we forgot what it was our soldiers were supposed to: “not-tell.”  And we do not have the means to tell if any soldiers have told whatever it was they were not suppose to tell, because, we do not know what to ask. 

Until someone gives us permission to ask, we have to tell the soldiers that we are following policy and not asking, even if they tell us to ask. That’s just the way it is until we are told that the policy has changed.

Once that happens we will be able to start asking questions and be able to gather enough information to tell if the don’t-ask don’t-tell policy should be changed.”

Following military rules investigating officials,  did not ask any questions relevant to the matter they were investigating. Instead invesigators “hung around” the PX, popular nightspots, and “the barracks” hoping to find someone who would tell them, about banned subject matter when not asked about it.

As the investigation entered its final week, several team members were asked by a Miami Herald reporter if the military rules regarding sexual preferences and military personnel would be changed. Desperate for an answer, team members hired fourteen college-aged women, dressed them in “Halloween costumes”. The women then hid along barrack sidewalks, jumped up from the bushes, and thrust Penthouse foldouts into the face of male soldiers as they walked by.

After three days, the team leader made this comment about the reporter initiated experiment:

“Observing soldiers which have come under sexual fire has gotten us nowhere. Their arms, legs, and hips don’t tell. Their hair and hand interactions don’t tell. Even their rinky-dinky, or what the military manual formally designates as: “the pinky” finger, does not tell. So investigators were left looking askance for tale-tell preferences. For example, we asked ourselves, and only ourselves:

–Did the soldier stare straight into the staple in the middle of a Penthouse foldout and squint until he saw his own reflected eye-squint? And then, move back, and comb his hair?

–Did the soldier ask our investigative assistant in the Halloween costume if she would show him her staple?


–Did the solidier look at the foldout and say “Wow, who is this guy’s surgeon?”

The investigating team did insist some progress was made, claiming that they were 99% confident, that soldiers who do not participate in bull sessions about womanizing all night are:

a)    Womanizing all night

b)    Doing the other thing all night

When asked what the “other thing” might be: the commission “We don’t know but are 97.5% confident that it will reduce unwanted pregnancies”.

After the investigative commission failed to reach a conclusion a British consultant group, which were not subject to U.S. military rules, asked U.S. soldiers about their sexual preferences. The consultant group reported that 68% of male soldiers stated a preference for the opposite gender, 9% stated a preference for the same gender, and 9% percent said they would not decide until they: “met the right person”.

The other 14% of male soldiers said that they do not quite yet get “what the T.V. and magazine-hyped sex business is really all about. Anyway.”

The British team also reported that they found 60% of the military’s female soldiers admitted that they have no sexual preference for 90% percent of the men on the planet earth, but, had yet to consider alternatives.

The British team also reported that 37% of U.S. soldiers prefer blond hair, 26% red hair, and 14% for brunette and African hair.

However 23% of soldiers said that they do not quite yet get “what the T.V. and magazine-hyped hair business is really all about. Anyway.”

Major-General Humphrey Bog-Trump expressed satisfaction with the finding:

“There has been circulating, among the more traditional circles of the officer corps, a so called “statistic” which claims that 40% of female soldiers and 60% of the “alternate” male soldiers would hesitate to go into battle, if, their hair wasn’t right. This survey indicates that that view is wrong for at least 23% of our fighting men and women. ”

General Bog-Trump added:

“However, we still have a problem with high ranking officers that, hesitate to go into treaty negotiations, if, their medals aren’t right.”

Soldiers refused to talk to reporters about the don’t-ask don’t-tell policy or their view of the findings of either investigation team. However several soldiers presented reporters with staples, some stapled into the soldier’s ring finger, others stapled into the soldier’s “pinky” finger.  When asked by reporters what the difference was supposed to signify, soldiers uniformly answered “we can’t tell”.

 General Bog-Trump:

 “The staples explanation either means they can’t tell or that they just told us by not telling. It is too early to tell which staple interpretation is right—but I assure you, we will be asking more about those finger-staples. That is, once someone goes through the Penthouse foldup data again and can tell us just what it is we will be asking about when we start asking questions about military rules and finger staples.”


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