New Strain of Reform Resistant Doctors Found in Six Texas Hospitals

By admin

 August 2, 2009

Outbreak Stimulated by Exposure to Health Care Debate

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta issued a warning that a new strain of health reform resistant doctors has been discovered in six different hospitals and seven clinics in and around Dallas, Texas. The center’s spokesperson said the outbreak appears to be several weeks old and warned that, if the resistant strain of doctors were to spread beyond the Dallas-Ft. Worth region, government health reform efforts could prove ineffective in preventing rising health care costs.  The doctors are believed to have become resistant after being repeatedly exposed to large doses of health care debate on TV and local radio news stations over the past month.

Medical experts believe that lack of follow through on past health care reform proposals have played a critical role in creating the new strain of reform resistant doctors.  Stated CFDC epidemiologist Meagan Flusepad:

“Our analysis indicates that several Senate staff members from Texas, two Government agencies, and three Washington D.C. think-tanks exposed a large number of Texas Doctors and medical personnel to several weeks of health care reform proposals but failed to follow through with any real reform. We warm policy makers—that if you start a health reform regime, you must take your health care reform package to completion. That is: Do not stop reform just because you have convinced enough medical personnel to back your health reform proposal, that you feel better about yourself.

That is, in reference to the first that is, those that do not follow through reform talk with a new medical regulations risk creating a costly strain of reform resistant Doctors that have the potential to clog Medicaid’s budget arteries with deadly paperwork.”

According to epidemiologists at the CFDC and other medical institutes across the country, a group of irresponsible reformers, in the past, liberally discussed their health care proposals with the public and followed this discussion with, public lectures about the relationship between mustache form and the political geography of Iraq.  This, experts believe, created the initial strain of mustache growing doctors that have developed complete resistance to each proposal in the current health reform arsenal.

Policy makers are particularly worried that another strain of doctors, working in radiology departments in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, may be able to resist every known mixture of health reform policy and have developed an uncanny ability to use mustaches to disguise themselves as Iraqi immigrants. Government records indicate that, in the past, this micro-cluster of doctors have shown themselves to be oblivious to efforts to computerize patient records and have resisted government efforts to use MRI’s to scan their hand-written prescription notes for the possible existence of English lettering.

Possible Solutions

Researchers are said to be working on a new generation of reform policies, that have not been developed before, which might, in the short run, be able to contain or limit the spread of, the reform resistant strain of doctors. Said Meagan, Flusepad of the CFDC:

“I cannot discuss our final firewall plan but can only say it involves a cocktail mix of policies involving: MRI based budgeting, insurance- insurance, a containment plan which compels doctors to sit for appointments in their own waiting rooms, and a proposal to reduce pharmaceutical waste by using laser surgery to extract prescription medical pills from their store-bought containers.”

Stated a Dr. Harvey Frisvold of Arizona State medical college:

“I urge all my colleagues to turn off the radio, the T.V., and fold their newspapers to the sports pages, least they, too, turn rabidly reform resistant.  If doctors continue to become exposed and rabidly resistant, the government could unleash containment plans that would lock me, and other critically needed doctors, into waiting rooms with six year old copies of People magazine, sniveling four year olds, and snarling receptionists that will demand to see our health insurance ID’s twice every half hour.

I might also remind my colleagues that “containment” would also force key medical personnel away from the critically important upper holes of their local golf course.”

Dr. Vok-Van Vander-Vat of the Dallas-Fort Worth Highway Ramp Appreciation Hospital responded to Harvey Frisvold’s plea with a curt rebuttal which he phoned into Fox network news:

“This charge that there is rabid mustache hiding doctors in Texas is nonsense. It is not rabid to limit public discussion of the flaws of the health business. This public exposure will only disrupt some innocent person’s life saving trip to the emergency room with second thoughts and calculations about what their life, and insurance deductible, is worth.”

 Stated CFDC epidemiologist Meagan Flusepad:

“The Vok-Vat Doctor strain appears to be spreading outside Texas through Fox network’s mouth-to-mustache mouth contact. We hope to use celebrity clad People magazine covers to lure the Doctor into a medical waiting room where we can tie him down with insurance forms to fill out. Luckily health reforms have passed enough Dallas hospitals by, that we can still use pen and paper, to hold a person in place while he or she writes down his or her entire family’s medical history for the sixth time.

However once we move to electronic swipe cards, I don’t know if we will be able to contain this rabid strain of mustache hiding doctors anymore. We have an order that all Texas doctors must shave their mustaches and only discuss health reform with their alter-egos in the privacy of a voting booth.

If the rabid reform resistant doctors refuse to go along with the Texas voting booth order, we will downgrade them to resident Grouch Marx impersonators who only will be allowed to practice medicine, or comedy, in the more remote regions of Iraq.”

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