October 10, 2009

Liberals want to conserve resources, Conservatives want to use them liberally

In an unharnessed blow to the alternative energy movement, the General Accounting Office, in Washington D.C. issued a report which banned calling wind, solar, and geothermal technologies “alternative” energy.  Instead, the GAO ordered all Government documents and patient applications to refer to the three technologies as “sporadic recharge contraptions.”

The GAO also ordered backers of the three technologies to prove, using “math and other assorted squiggles”, that adoption of sporadic recharge technologies will not eventually deplete the sun of its radiance, the atmosphere of its motion, and the earth-crust of it geological smoke.

GAO spokesman Greg G. Grip told reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in recycled news:

“These three technologies have generated millions kilowatts over the past fifty years and are currently generating energy in sixty different countries worldwide. Throughout this period the earth’s atmosphere has continued to heat up and carbonate while the world comes ever more close to running out of oil, coal, and conservative U.S. Congressmen.

In light of this, we have concluded that America’s future requires the development of alternative, alternative energies. This will renew our renewable energy and provide Americans with alternatives to the constantly recycled list of  “alternate” renewables.  

If Americans cannot meet this renewed challenge we are going to end up alternating every four years between a recycling obsession with:

blustery air movements, eye-squinting sunlight, and a few house-trained volcanoes and,

yet again, splurging on finite energy resources and plump-reared hummer vehicles which, in turn, strains the nation’s stock of creative parking skills.”

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that, ants, bees, and hummingbird farms might be possible alternate sources for generating energy.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore argued that the CBO’s assessment was unreasonable and unfair since renewable forms of energy generation has yet to generate three percent of America’s energy.

GAO analyst Greg G, Grip answered back:

“Yes, think how hot and carbonated the air would be if it fifty percent of our energy was generated by wind farms, solar factories, and geothermal services.”

The GAO also reported that a group of fossil fuming supporters had bought twenty year leases on select restaurant booths around Washington’s Capitol Hill and have used their booth monopoly to drill rumors into hungry members of Congress. Booth waiters claim that the fossil fuming support group has been using highly pressurized whiskey, wet ice, and loose currency, to pry loose Congressmen who previously were embedded under several deep layers of voter and family sentiments. According to booth waiters fossil fuming supporters have used this campaign to assert that alternate energy entrepreneurs in the United States had been caught, Green Handed, spinning in place, like a tilted windmill , generating the same “renewable“ proposal for renewable energy since fossil time renewable.

As if to confirm Mr. Gripp’s charge, CNN videotaped Texas Congressmen Jason Sperling shouting his newly acquired opinion from the inside seat of an appropriately distilled Capitol Hill restaurant booth:

“The only thing renewable about solar panels is that they flip up sparkling every three years as the shining savior of America.  What it is, people just cannot handle gorging on a billion years worth fossilizing fuel in order to sit in their car, fume, and curse at a jammed intersection filled with similar stuck drivers whose only friend and enemy is a talk radio station. I think a lot of desperate drivers just stare up at their car mirror and pray that it sets off some light bulb that can get them out of the intersection jam. This is how they get themselves revved up crazy about mirror based sun energy and another whiskey idea for me and my new booth buddies.”

Though he did not reveal if he agreed with their position, Mr. Grip praised the fossil fuming supporters for subtracting valuable insights from the energy debate.

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that, office telecommuting, bees wax candles, and human hibernation might be possible energy saving sources.

Congressman Jason Sperling, who has admitted to receiving “entertainment” from the internet spam lobby, the next day introduced a bill to allow illegal immigrants to work for U.S. companies from telecommuting centers located in their native countries, provided they “first, turn off the lights, sneak out of the United States, go home, and purchase an outsourced American job.” 

The Congressman also encouraged legal Americans to install an office cubicle in their bedroom closet and tele-work without wearing clothes in order to save energy on getting dressed, finding socks, and wasting valuable closet space on grey blended office clothing.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore argued that wind, solar and geothermal energies would prove cost effective if only Governments invested in the technology to transmit these energies from their distant natural source in sparsely populated areas to the cities and suburbs where people work, live, sit tele-naked, and tele-debate using sporadic recharging contraptions.

Congressional representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil argued that the Al Gore-Obama alternative energy transmission initiative was nothing more than another Democrat “smoke and mirrors” campaign to allow the Government to seize control of more of the Government. And they ridiculed Al Gore for claiming to have invented the “internet” without taking credit for inventing “telecommuting”.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore pointed out that technologies which use “high tech smoke” and “precision mirrors”, indeed, would be the most efficient method of transmitting wind and solar energy and said, that given these new technical realities, conservatives, once again, had shown themselves to be living in the stone-ax and bronze-tooth age of energy transport metaphors.

Congressional Representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil responded by imploring Congress to pass a bill allowing offshore-drilling for carbon rich ocean bottom silt; washed in from coal removed mountaintops.

Congressmen Jason Sterling praised the 9.8% of unemployed Americans for conserving transportation fuel. And he proposed setting up tele-no-work centers, where the unemployed could go and display their collection of blended gray office clothing.

Congressional Representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil complained that America’s energy debate had gotten so twisted and confusing that they didn’t know if the idea was to:

a) Reduce dependence on foreign oil, dictators, and bad nightly news.

b) Reduce carbon trade missions to other countries.

c) Blame global warming on global warming.

d) Save cash on the rising prices of fossil fuels.

e) Make more money for Texas,.

f) Permit greenhouse produce and vegetables to be grown outdoors.

Conservatives then claimed if green house gas emission and global warming was the key Democrat problem with the world, then the issue of cattle flatulence must be dealt with tail on; by leading Democratic Senators.

Congressman Jason Sperling responded by promising to introduce a bill to offer Government subsidies to the Masanto seed corporation and key pharmaceutical firms to use the science of biotechnology to splice Pepto Bismal chemistry into the genetic code of the six top livestock feeds.

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that, shade, Al Gore speeches, and sex education books might be potential sources of global cooling.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore complained that America’s energy debate was so confusing that they didn’t know if the idea was to:

a) Reduce dependence on foreign oil, dictators, and bad morning news.

b) Eliminate carbon emissions.

c) Blame global warming on outdoor tan salons.

d) Save fossil fuels from the ever rising price of money.

d) Bankrupt Texas.

e)  Set up summer education camps in backyard green houses.

Discovering that that potential voters had become confused about the issue, Liberal Democratic Congressmen from the Midwest, joined with environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore on the steps of Capitol Hill to clarify the goals of alternative energy development to reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in recycled news:

“The goal of alternative energy development is to conserve and husband this country’s natural resources in order to protect and conserve the world’s atmosphere, soils, and water.”

Discovering that potential voters had become confused about the issue, Conservative Republican Congressmen, from the South joined forces with Congressmen representing Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil on the lawn of Capitol Hill to clarify the goals of alternative energy development to reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in depletable news:

“The goal of alternative energy development is to liberally use and develop this countries natural resources in order to expand our economy and remain open minded about what form of the world’s atmosphere, soil, and water is best suited for the future of mankind.”

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that bankrupting Iran, isolating Venezuela’s Chavez, and pushing the country of Russia into Siberian hibernation, might be possible alternative energy goals.

Congress was reported to be debating a bill that would move GAO offices to Capitol Hill restaurant booths and lease the GAO building to a fossil fuming support group. Congress was also considering whether to allow selected Congressional staff to telecommute from selected White House and Department of Defense closets provided a “color neutral” dress code could be worked out.

Greg G. Grip, of the GAO was last seen in a restaurant booth debating representatives of a fossil fuming support group who were demanding, that select combinations of pressurized whiskey, ice, and loose currency, be classified as a “sporadic recharge technology” and, be eligible, to receive renewable subsidies from the Goverment. 

Tags: Politics

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 10th, 2009 at 9:20 am and is filed under Top Stories, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.